Update on my office friends

I've been meaning to write about them for a while, and I've both kept forgetting and am so busy that time is slipping away at a fantastically rapid pace...

But tonight, I'm posting!

Recall Penelope, my orchid, who I had previously assumed was dead? Well...I thought that Penelope was nothing more than her stem, from which her pretty blooms peeked out and then fell off into oblivion. Now that I've articulated that, I am wondering just how stupid I really am.

So. I saw the pretty green leaves, but didn't think they were associated with Penelope. I assumed that the flower people had added them next to Penelope to keep her company. I honestly didn't think they were a part of her, not even when I started noticing that they were growing stuff. And by 'stuff', I mean more leaves. I was so excited that I immediately took photos of The Leaves Next to Dead Penelope and emailed them around with the subject heading: Can anyone tell me what kind of leaves these are? while the email itself asked aloud: What plant do they belong to, please? I'm confused because they were sitting next to my orchid and I don't really know why. (I've never been one to shy away from sharing my stupidity with anyone willing to listen or read. Alhamdulilah.)

My friends are really lovely people with a great deal of tolerance, and so it was with slow and kind words that they told me those leaves were not mere company to Dead Penelope, but are in fact, a healthy and vibrant part of ALIVE PENELOPE!! SHE ISN'T DEAD!! SHE THRIVES AND IS BLOOMING LEAVES!! I can't express to you my complete and total excitement about Penelope...

I didn't kill her. (I was having panic attacks and that's why I kept watering her once a week, because I didn't want to be culpable for something over which I was a little custodian. It's like some of the perennials I planted a few weeks back; three of whom I had accidentally planted above ground - not deeply enough into the soil - were dying and when I saw them last week, I thought of myself as a killer. I immediately took them out of the ground (it was so sad because I didn't even have to dig. I just pulled and they came out. Like magic, only not.) I dug more, and then mixed their soil into the new soil and pretty much close to buried them. At least they're not dead. And you can't call me a killer.)

Look:





As for Hussy, my Cala Lilly, she is currently napping and will remain so for the next little while. While making certain I don't disturb her sleep (so that when she wakes up, she's well rested and ready to bloom beautiful flowers), I have to also be careful that I not completely forget her and kill her with neglect. Watering in very small amounts to keep her alive is key, apparently.

Here she is napping:



Also! I've purchased a spathiphyllum wallisii, or a 'Peace Lily', who I've yet to name (all suggestions are welcome). She is protected by this little hanging delight (previously a postcard, and now made to hang, I have different ones propped up across my office space):





Finally, KY. He's doing just fine and sends his regards from his little corner in my office. You know he's grumpy and likes to be left alone; please forgive him his not coming out this evening.

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In keeping with the theme of the above, please consider donating one or two dollars to this excellent cause.

Groundhogs don't vibrate

I used to think groundhogs were cuddly and cute, until this past weekend when I started battling mama's groundhog.

Actually, he's not my mother's and I'm not quite certain it's a 'he'. To be fair, I'm going to give it a gender neutral name such as: Evil.

Evil lives beneath mama's neighbour's back yard deck. Between mama's back garden and that of our neighbour, there is a fence. Through a very small and narrow area between the two fences, Evil comes and goes.

Last summer, mama would call me almost daily to discuss her woes. The most notable phone call came when she decided to share her Plan To Get Rid Of Evil. It consisted of her trapping Evil in a garbage bag (because it's strong, you see) and then placing said garbage bag filled with Evil into the car and driving Evil out to a farm where she would then set him free to run wild with his groundhog mates.

Naturally, she would have done this while wearing her gardening gear, complete with sombrero, because that's just the kind of special that defines mama.

The Plan To Get Rid Of Evil never came to pass and we are now entering another summer where Evil lives and breathes and eats all plants and vegetables.

I attempted to spend this past weekend in radio silence (with phone turned off) and gardening. Unfortunately, that radio silence was killed by our Evangelist neighbours who blasted the "Family" radio channel which is code for: If you don't accept Jesus as your saviour, you're gonna burn in hell, tee-hee. I don't think I've heard so many 'His Glory' and 'His Mercy' and 'His Salvation' and 'His Crucifixion and 'His Beautiful Face That I Look Upon Which Had Better Be White, Hallelujah' in such a short span of time. And no mention of God, either, because He's sort of inconsequential, yeah?

Do you accept Jesus as your saviour? I do. In fact, technically, all Muslims do. Because: We believe he will come back...as a Muslim. Which isn't so bad, right? (Better than those who still consider him an impostor so BACK OFF of Islam. OMG! Or the lunatics reading books on how to "vibrate" at a higher frequency in order to reach enlightenment. Because: This world is all about you and your enlightenment, you self-involved asshole. It has nothing to do with community or getting into the trenches and learning through living, but rather learning through disassociation. Really excellent philosophy there; don't become the master of your self, just vibrate and hide away from it. Remember: It's all. About. You. So whatever YOU choose is brilliant.

Wow. I think I've just dropped 10 pounds thanks to that sarcasm.)

Anyway, there I was upstairs doing something important like staring at the wall when mama shrieked "Maha! Look outside!"

Can you hazard a guess as to why?

Evil had returned. In all his / her glory it sat eating one of my perennials. Munch munch munching away as though he was Jesus himself (praise be!). For a few moments, Evil didn't know we were watching and then some sort of instinct kicked in because it stopped eating, slowly lowered its paws while in tandem sneaking a peek up at the window. As soon as it spotted my mother, it let go of the perennial and ran away as fast as its fat evil a** would carry it.

Off to Home Depot I went where I spent nearly 45 minutes with three men who were discussing the best way to rid one self of a groundhog.

The first male instinct was to kill it. But apparently, that's illegal. Besides: Just because it's evil and it eats perennials, I can't kill it. It's one of God's fat little creatures and it too needs to eat so that wasn't an option. Fat groundhogs aren't interested in vibrating at higher frequencies so that alone makes them admirable; Evil's just doing what is considered naturally programmed (and so I can't fault it for following Order).

The second, really spectacular option was for me to: Solicit one of my male friends and have him / them pee all around my garden. Evil would smell the testosterone and leave the garden alone, because it would respect that some other creature had marked that territory.
Isn't that fun?

Third was for me to purchase a steel trap that would trap Evil. I would then drive Evil out to a farm and set him free. Really, this is a variation of Mama's original plan only with a steel trap rather than a plastic bag. Although I sort of like Evil, I don't really think I would be comfortable driving around with it in my car, caged or otherwise.

Fourth: Tossing a gas bomb in his burrow.
Wow.
Knowing my propensity for confusion and cartooning, I would gas myself before I ever got close to Evil. (Any option that would associate me with any type of "artillery" is a natural 'no, thank you'.)

The final option, which is what I chose, was to surround the garden with a "repellent smell". I had two choices: coyote urine (hurrah!) or black pepper-based 'stuff'. I chose the later and he's not been back since, Evil.

I really do hope he doesn't starve to death, though; will keep you posted as to this endeavour.

(Find a photo of Evil here, if it pleases you.)

P.S. Here are my first two little garden patches:

Hostas, which are bushes. Or something.


At least thirteen varieties of perennials. Inshallah over time, this little back area around the patio will expand and be filled with tons of flowers that are messy and colourful.

Gone Green: My New Friends

Unlike mama, I've never been one for foliage. I've tried having plants in the past, but like my goldfish, I've killed them all.

Last year, I took an interest in a situation that had an interest in plants and gardens, which led me to a thorough enjoyment of Green and all of the chemistry involved within. It also made me ask some questions about Islam and nature / environment and I was quite satiated to find that there are over 700 verses in the Quran that discuss the environment, our link to it, and our duty to protect it. Furthermore, there are many hadiths that discuss Muhammad's (pbuh) many references to nature, my favourite being: "Whoever plants a tree and looks after it with care, until it matures and becomes productive, will be rewarded in the Hereafter" because I need all the help I can get in my effort to make it to Heaven and so if there's anything I can do to give me a better grade, I'm all over it. (I'm so excited to share with you my recent discovery that I'm almost hyperventilating; Please click here.)

Since arriving in my new place of work, I've been looking at my office space and noticing that it's missing Green.

I made My New Friends over three weeks ago and I'm still scared because I don't want to kill Them. Luckily, it appears that it's only Penelope who seems to be going to sleep - quite likely never to wake up again. In my defence, I believe I was over-reaching when I decided to purchase a phalaenopsis amabilis. (Two words that I can't pronounce but provide me the aura of a Hogwarts student and who doesn't want that?)

I have looked up and studied care instructions because not only do I not want to kill My New Friends, but I don't want to hurt Them, either.

A couple of tricks I've learned from television, such as: chatting with My New Friends in the mornings. I come in relatively early and so there's no one around to hear me as I tell My New Friends about my evenings. I even purchased a spritzer / schwooscher that mists out water, because that's what They enjoy. Isn't that great? The woman who introduced me to Them for an arm and a leg said "mist their leaves. The leaves like that". After paying very close attention to the sounds made by the leaves, I can now confirm that They are a composite of really small beings that laugh and giggle when it mists all over them exactly the opposite of me, because mist makes my hair fizzy. In case you're wondering, I mist Them each morning as we have our chat.

Please wave to:

Penelope, my Orchid (Phalaenopsis amabilis)


Hussy, my Calla Lily (Zantedeschia aethiopica)


Kuan-Yin, my Chinese Evergreen (Aglaonema pseudobracteatum)


If you stand next to the sunshine, they'll wave back at you (except perhaps Kuan-Yin who prefers his quiet and usually in the dark 'alone' time).