Tonight’s sunset at home wasn’t so bad either. As I have repeatedly written before, Ottawa summers are gorgeous and today was the perfect example – it felt like 41 with a humidity index of approximately 55%. I left Lethbridge in a t-shirt, sweater, and jean jacket. When I stepped out of the airport in Ottawa, I stripped down to a tank and ran through a water sprinkler before getting into momma’s car. Except it was a t-shirt, not a tank, and there was no water sprinkler except for inside of my head. Meaning, I was gleeful both to be home, and to see momma, whom I could not stop petting.

Knit into my time in Lethbridge was a reflection on the nature of love. Romantic love, I’ve never believed existed as a state of being or a singular feeling; rather, a pattern of continuous acts reflecting trust and commitment, not to be said, but rather manifest and revealed over time.

‘I love you.’ I have said it twice in my life. Regarding one of the fellas, I still carry much love in my heart for him. I hope that he is well and taken care of; that he is as adored as he made me feel, and that he is with someone who opens his heart to its fullest capacity. The other one? Well. When he crosses my mind, I just sort of twitch and blank. He…he has become an ellipses, nothing but a weird link between moments. Here’s how cold my blood runs regarding the ellipses – if you were to tell me he fell over dead, I would just think At least he can no longer harm women or his daughters.

I mean. Fascinating, right?

Which is why this romantic love thing is so interesting to me. Until some spectacular navel gazing in Lethbridge, I’d never in fact brought into focus how the inverse of love might occur – how it shape-shifts from deep care, to literal emptiness or, worse, a real hatred toward the one formerly loved.

What is it, you ask? OKAY LET ME TELL YOU!!

Taking my original definition into consideration, if we are to believe that the growth of love is in the treatment we show one another, then it would naturally follow that it’s diminishment is equally so.

Nothing. Ground-breaking. At. All.

When it dawned on me, I stood stunned and suddenly curious about how slow-moving my brain can be at any given moment. How have I never been able to articulate this to myself until now?

How? Because I had been too focused on the two end points, rather than the conversation between them. I had focused on Love, and then on Not Love, but not on Love transitioning us into WTFIsGoingOn and landing us on Not Love. I literally missed the entire and most important event – the parley.

Absolutely amazing for a woman who always has so much to say.

Today, I am grateful for:
1. Flights, landing safely and on time.
2. Transparency. Nothing is sexier. Nothing.
3. Momma, as ever. I am so happy to be sitting next to her.

Ottawa | Day 216 | July 4, 2019

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