This gorgeous mural is just down the street from me; every time I walk past, I stop to admire it and wonder if this is in fact a real woman, or a figment of the artists’ imagination.

How do you know you have healed? What does it look like on you?

I realized some time ago that on me, it is less deep-diving into the why of things. Meaning, the phase of trying to understand a thing simply stops; all of the real estate previously afforded the why? goes up for rent.

More interesting is that this doesn’t signal that I’ve finally answered ‘why?’, but rather that 1) I have mapped out as many possible answers as my knowledge permits, and 2) that I have become bored by the conversation and need new stimulation.

Trauma has never simply sat in my body and done nothing. My brain turns it into a puzzle that I then get to attack from all angles. Basically, it’s not enough that I feel all of the feelings; my cerveau decides to double-time and riddle-me-this itself a step short of infinity.

It seems that even in trauma, I must behave in a way which is logically productive.

Yay for overactive cerveaus.

Today, I am grateful for:
1. Geometry kits, because they make organizing even more fun than it already is.
2. Graffiti. Thank you for beautifying all streets.
3. My little succulents, which have visibly grown since being repotted.

Ottawa | Day 291 | September 17, 2019

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