She asked me if I’d ignored it. I responded honestly that that wasn’t it. But because I hadn’t considered the question before she posed it, I couldn’t quite put my finger on the answer. I could only say what it wasn’t, but not what it was.

She had a lovely energy. Warm, inviting, easy to talk to.

On my walk home, I kept thinking about her question.

Which she asked because I had mentioned how it was that recently, I have become surrounded by male energy, and I chased this statement with I forgot how different it feels to to be around male energy. How much I’d missed it without even knowing I missed it. Platonic or otherwise; just being around men. (All married. All non-toxic. All platonic.)

Do you think you ignored it?

She meant the missing. Did I ignore the missing of male energy?

Walking home, I figured it out.

I hadn’t ignored it. I’ve just been focussed on gratitude. I am grateful for what is here. At least three things a night, I still write them out. Since 2018, daily. A habit I refuse to break.

So while focusing on gratitude, I didn’t have time to focus on what I would like to have. And what I would like to have is that fella to lean and depend on, to turn to, and to hand things to when I’m tired. It would be super if he also had broad shoulders and nice strong hands, please and thank you, ya Allah.

Sidebar: I am often very grateful for things I don’t have. I am grateful for lacking in shit-headedness, pig-headedness, callousness, and insecurity. I am grateful I am lacking in miserliness, and hate, etc. I just phrase it from the positive perspective, rather than the negative one.

Right. Now that I am seeing and feeling male energy nearly every day everywhere I turn, I am grateful for its presence in my life, without the potential trauma or drama of the romantic side of things. Naturally, this means that there also isn’t the euphoria and gentleness of that romantic element, when it is a kindness and grace between people.

One of my du3aas continues to be Protect me from the demands of my loneliness, until what’s written for me finds its way home.

I hope that the fact that He’s turned my face towards this thing so gently, is maybe an indication of what’s to come.

QUESTION MARK! With a whole lot of inshAllahs.

(Isn’t that a great photo of me? Nat took it! ❤️)

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