I’m on holidays as of Monday COB so hopeful I have more time to write over the coming two weeks, inshAllah.

We went for a hike and a picnic, then we had ice-cream and finished with a walk before dinner. We also went for a drive and danced in the car. The only way this day might have been better is if a man had been around to share all of this with. Essentially, I am on the best date possible without the man.

Quality time and physical touch comes in equal at the top. Words of affirmation and gift giving also tie, and then acts of service barely registers. So, when I can’t reach out and touch him, and when I can’t lean in to layer my lips between his, I offer words instead and gifts instead.

We didn’t sleep the first night I arrived and Reem said to me that she doesn’t believe I want to miss my man (like I wrote over three years ago, and recently linked back to in The Relationship Theatre). Rather, that I have only ever said this because I have not yet been with the right man. As soon as she pointed this out, a little wall fell away from around my heart, and I saucer-eyes stared at her while remembering how completely and totally lit up I feel after leaving someone I like.

How have I never really focussed on these things before this week?

She handed me The Five Love Languages and I completed the quiz.

It has been an extraordinary couple of days of reflection. A couple of days apart, and my energy level shifts into a quieter one; when not experiencing the ebb and flow of conversation with him throughout the day, each day, there is a very quiet imbalance. I have figured out that I do in fact deflate like a sad and wonky little balloon when I miss someone. And if I or he went away and I didn’t feel somewhat lost at sea without him around, I would feel like I have with every man in my rear view – loved, but not as in love as I know I would like to be.

Which, I guess is why I have remained single now for years; because I am not interested in anything short of totally lush. And all men who have approached, though they have been lovely, and gorgeous and all manner of things, none of my time with them has resulted in me wanting more time with them.

How did I not know? I am such a bumbling bumbler who bumbles! How did I not know?! For a self-reflective girl, I have really been feeling so much but behind my own back, yes?

I even recently said to someone how I am happiest just sitting next to a man maybe reading. Maybe writing. Quietly.

What I didn’t say is that certainly, it would come with a lot of getting busy. (Did you see what I did there?) And a shit ton of laughter because I am putty in the man’s hands who can meet my sense of humour and make me laugh harder.

Somewhere in there we’d share a piece of cheese. And the right music would be on. And we would turn off our phones and the world would stand still. And if there was water around us we’d take a dip while the rest of the world was left to burn in its misery.

So again, how didn’t I know?! How did I not know my own primary love languages are time and affection, a delicate balance of which can happen while physically apart, thank you virtual spaces?**

My favourite part of being on vacation? I free fall into the dreamer in me. Stay tuned!

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**Which is why I have been able to survive long distance relationships. Video. For hours. Until the balance to physical presence.

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