The man who was unkind to you is not your soul mate.

The man who dropped you the moment it became difficult is not your soul mate.

The man who didn’t/isn’t fighting for you is not your soul mate.

The man who isn’t moving mountains to be with you is not your soul mate.

He was a mirage, and I bet my words on the fact that if you look at your experiences with him, you will see how most everything experienced served him far more than it ever served you. And now you’re alone, but is he?

Show me the moments where you fought change, and I will show you the patterns which least serve your well-being.

The only reason you need to change is: This doesn’t serve me anymore. The question becomes whether you have enough self-love to choose yourself where he has not chosen you.

I’ve been receiving far too many messages from women who explain all of the ways that they have been harmed at the hands of men, and end their messages with some variation of But I love him.

My automatic concern is always: Do you love yourself, though? Because if you loved a man who did not love you to his full capacity, why would you allow this into your life? Why do you not love yourself enough to expect that you be loved as you wish to be loved? To be loved as ready as you are to love? Why did you accept half-measures from anyone, and choose for yourself to remain in such a space?

You need to have more love for yourself than you do for any individual who has not chosen you. I am struggling and heartbroken that this is a sentence which may feel groundbreaking to some.

For those of you forced to let go of a man on to which you have held too tightly. For those of you struggling to let go of old habits, because you didn’t want this ending. For those of you wondering why he didn’t choose you above all others, I promise that the love which you are seeking is yet to come. I promise that that which you hope for is coming. I promise that you have not yet met everyone who will love you.

Until then, I need you to promise yourself that you will:

1. Grieve. Just don’t sit in this space for too long that you lose yourself. Accept that the grief – which depends on how deeply your hope ran, and the circumstances around your situation – may always be a part of you. (Though wait and see what happens when you meet the love who will love you right. Come back then and see if this person who you presently think you cannot be without, if he is even a thought anymore.) In Islam, we are given three days to sit in grief. No more and no less and we have to move out of it. Give yourself this same rule for a broken heart. Three days, then move this energy into other spaces. Such as…

2. Changing your neurological pathways. I mean. This shit is real. The longer and more committed you are to a thought, the more it sticks and the easier it becomes as default. If you are coming out of something around which you had built much, then you will have created trails in your head to which your mind wanders often and easily. You need to create new narratives and trails. Go from He was the one. I will never find another. I will be alone without him. No one will be as amazing as he was, to: He is a stepping-stone to a greater adventure. I can’t wait to meet the one for whom this situation was preparing me. Alone is not lonely. He really isn’t as great as I had projected.

Sit down and list these things out, including the How not great he really was.

SIS, HE WOULD BE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW IF HE WAS YOURS. But he ain’t. Stop making a hero of a man who isn’t a hero, and stop making excuses for him. I have seen men and women tear down their lives with one, so that they might rebuild with another. There is never enough of a reason why not.

When in Islam we say that What is meant for you will never miss you, we don’t take this sentiment lightly. You shouldn’t either, Muslim or otherwise. Trust in the divine; trust that the divine is always on time. Trust that this situation from which you are extracting yourself brought forward lessons that you needed to learn so that you could grow in the direction you needed to move.

3. Get away from them. I mean this very literally. Why the fk are you still around them, this person that dropped all of the balls? Stop looking at their social media, stop hanging out with them, stop accepting scraps. Again – love yourself enough to extract yourself from the bread-crumbing. It’s the only way you can make room for yourself, and for the right man.

4. Reach out to your girlfriends, and keep them on speed-message/dial/dinner time. Send me a message if they’re not around. For those of you who’ve been too shy or reticent, please don’t be. I’m always available for a chat: zimmo.maha (@) gmail (dot) com. I read every single message but only respond to women who are needing support. Promise.

Finally, just keep reminding yourself that every pain you feel is temporary. And real love is gentle and easy and patient and kind. If you are struggling and fighting to make him see what an extraordinary individual you are, and a second, third and fourth time for the record: He ain’t it. He ain’t it. He ain’t it.

Remember that every heartbreak is a lesson. Work through this from a place of love and respect for yourself and as best you can – shrug it off. All of it, starting with him. There will be a man unyielding in his care and love for you and it will not come at the cost of your peace or your nervous system.

Love you. Believe in you. Trust that you’ve got this.

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