A very unusual thing happened recently, which took me by surprise.
Sitting with a group, I turned to someone and made the casual observation that they have not yet integrated their shadow self, which was represented by something very specific. I gave an example and thought nothing of it in the moment I was mentioning it so casually.
But I was very wrong. There was nothing usual about what I’d done, though my brain was very much: Yes this is a normal and okay thing to say to a friend about whom you care.
I hadn’t realized how loaded my observation was until they physically moved a couple of inches away from me and actually curled into themselves and wrapped their arms around themselves while laughing nervously? That question mark is not an accident.
To me, I was stating an obvious thing which I assumed either they already understood or had faced with great personal reflection.
What became instantly clear was that they either had never faced or understood their shadow self, or they had and they denied it, or one of these two things but they did not think I could / should see who their shadow is.
(And while I can’t help what I see, I should be more mindful of what I say out loud. This, a thing I am still learning every day – that some people don’t wish to be seen, or more to the point is that they don’t wish to know how deeply they are being seen. But that’s their journey not mine; I just have to keep my observations to myself.)
I had projected. And in so doing, forgot how many people have not made friends with their shadow.
Because our shadow self is the sum of our parts which we often guard and hide, usually out of shame or guilt, but always certainly hidden because we fear that if we show our true self/nature, people might reject, punish, or abandon us. (The wrong people usually do and will.) It is the wounded parts of ourselves, often the impulsive, in pain, most explosive, unwieldy, and traumatized.
But. But. But.
If we continue to ignore our shadow rather than integrate it, we place our entire selves into a pressure cooker which eventually has to come undone. Only one small tug on a thin thread by anyone and the complete unravelling begins. So safety of self (and those within our blast radius) comes from integrating our shadow self into the face, beliefs and behaviours we carry openly, honestly, and authentically.
To another, I said that only a man with the greatest degrees of honesty and transparency would be able to stand next to me (or lead us, depending on the circumstance); that the weight of my need to live in complete authenticity would crush any who had anything to hide from himself, from me, in love, in a relationship.
So really, only a man who has fully integrated his shadow would last with me. And if he’d not yet done the work before he met me, he will be forced to do it, if he is to remain with me. My questions alone would force his hand because I am a digger, as open to questions as I expect my lover to be.
Not to judge, nor to control, but rather I dig to understand and love correctly all of the man I choose to be with. Understanding and seeing a beloved is how I honour him and myself. Nothing in the shadows. Nothing off the table.
Sitting with, caring for, soothing and welcoming our shadow is one of the absolute only ways we might live as authentically as we should in a world often distorted and disembodied from anything which is authentic. A world which applauds Face Tune and filters and erasure of character and age from one’s face and body.
A society built on and maintained by fabrication, rather than those who in Islam are called saali7een; who do not shy away from truth but are rather only ever comfortable within its spaces. You know them; they are the ones to whom you feel the urge to share your secrets because you understand that though they will very likely “This is terrible”, they’ll also “But you’re not the terrible choices you make. Now how do we fix this with compassion?” The ones spreading safety no matter the pain an honesty might create.
I really really super duper believe that understanding, befriending and integrating our shadow is a radical act of self-love in this world.
Now back to this lovely individual whom I may have unknowingly left feeling a little too exposed, as well as to anyone like them reading – please understand that you are beautiful and perfect, and this includes your shadow.
Our shadow unconsciously influences our thoughts and behaviors until we sit with them and understand why they behave as they do. Heal their traumas, and listen to their fears, so that you might control the behaviours to which an unintegrated shadow will inevitably lend itself. You are – all of you – worth this work. Trust.
Love you. Believe in you. Am in your corner, always.
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