You’ll be grateful that you never gave up on your hope to have a spiritual, loving partner. Trust your protector instinct against toxic ones and keep your heart open for the gentle calm loving one. These are the keepers. The one that drinks coffee with you while you read or write, she wrote earlier today.

That’ll be nice, because what a fascinating ride it’s been so far.

One that, if I am only speaking about pain, and not re-engaging some of the same people, I would – beyond a shadow of any doubt – do it all over again so long as I knew the pain would bring me to present. Because: Every feeling is temporary.

This one lesson, more than all other lessons, is the most important one of this sabbatical and all things which led to it, because in the thick of pain and fear, we are rarely able to see/feel anything beyond a feeling of overwhelming and all-consuming paralysis.

This lesson, she is of a twin set; the other equally important one? Every single thing, people included, are equally temporary. No one will feel the same to you tomorrow; no one will bring into your life tomorrow what they brought in yesterday.

Sewing both of these realities into the fabric of me has been a game-changer.

Increasingly, I believe that I experience the world on an almost exclusively feelings-basis (naturally, because my physical requirements are met, and I am as safe as one might hope. Thanks, Maslov!), and so it’s become increasingly easy for me to stand outside of any given situation and unlink the ‘me’ from the feelings created by the situation itself.

I still experience hurt, feel pain, am made ecstatic by different things. What’s new is that I, a woman who still experiences all things in explosive colour (because wtf is ecru?), am able to look at the feelings and say Oh hi there. Thanks for coming. I guess I’ll hang out with you until you’re ready to leave.

Nothing else changes anymore. Whereas some feelings have, at different times in the past, saw me fragmented, this is simply no longer the case. Because I won’t allow it.

It’s nice when one’s one mind is what fortifies the heart.

Today, I am grateful for:
1. Doggos. They are so friendly and loving, and quite possibly the only creatures after whom I would gladly collect kaka.
2. Dreams. They are portals with answers, and I am grateful.
3. The colour RED. Where would my mouth be otherwise? (Don’t answer this. It’s rhetorical. And my mother reads me.)

Ottawa | Day 235 | July 23, 2019

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