It’s day 21 of physical distancing for me. I have only been out to collect groceries, pharmaceuticals, and to tend to my mother’s home.

Like on Tuesday, the electrician arrived and we had no choice but to meet with him at the property. Both my momma and me wore masks, and I asked him to do the same. He showed up in what I can safely call a hazmat suit and I have never respected anyone more than I did in that moment.

Work has now ceased on the house for three weeks, so I will simply pop in every four days to collect mail and make sure all is well. That ‘Contamination Day,’ as Destine calls it, will also be the day I will collect anything of which momma and me might be in need. Hopefully that won’t be necessary but once every three outings. At least that’s the intention.

I am, I need to note, having panic attacks. Proper ones that aren’t rooted in a particular thought but rather an on-going one upon which I need not reflect for it to mash my chest and make it hard for me to take a deep breath. Not sure how your panic attack hits, but mine is simply an inability to take deep breaths, and suddenly my body needs to take all of the deep breaths.

I am also crying a lot more easily than usual, and I am someone who in Arabic is referred to as “dam3it-ha areeba,” meaning that even on a normal given day outside the confines of a pandemic, tears are ever-ready, peeking out from behind my eyes super excited to charge forward and wet my lips.

Today is one such day, harder than usual. Everything is making me cry. This too, it will pass.

But it is fucked. And I am scared. For everyone.

Sat on a mountain of Faith and so continue to say alhamduliLah for whatever He deems as the outcome. Ya Rab.

Time for a list, then!

The photo for this post is of how I am primarily spending my time when not working and washing my hands – painting by numbers.

Also –
– Reading.
– Learning stupid new facts, which will not save me when I am dying, but might amuse me until then.
– Keeping informed of all science-based data re the Capitalism-19* Virus.
– Video check-ins on friends, some daily.
– Watching ridiculous documentaries such as Tiger King.
– Maintaining my crush on Cowboy Tim who was recently thrust into the #Hashtag limelight of social media.
– Attempting to exercise what little patience I have with momma (and failing often).
– Sending angry messages to family members who are refusing to adhere to self-isolation requirements.
– Commiserating with other self-isolating and sane family-members about aforementioned family members.
– All-caps tweeting at politicians and clowns on the twitter.
– Developing unexpected but very welcome new friendships across the wire with people whom I knew little (but always liked) until now.
– And, finally, looking forward to having McDonald’s in the coming weeks when I have the energy to append this drive-through to a necessary Contamination Day outing, inshAllah.

Love you all. Please stay safe.

*Not a typo. This is 100% sprung from capitalism, from a need to make disproportionate money off the backs of people mashed into the smallest living quarters. It was further proliferated by the need to pretend it didn’t matter, lest the economy suffer. And it will be maintained by the grotesque and gluttonous need to produce produce produce, that we – guilty, equally – continue to consume.

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