Speaking of broads…

Some scientists posit that women experience life events more intensely, leading to better memory encoding, while others speculate that the neural basis of memory formation differs between the sexes. Research published online this week by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences offers support to the latter model. According to the report, women use more and different brain regions than men do when experiencing or remembering intense emotional experiences, resulting in more vivid recollections” (Scientific American)

Not one woman in my life is surprised. For years out, I still recall the minutiae of detail in any emotionally charged situation/conversation – exact words, and the moment of a changed facial expression or breathing pattern. The more I care, the more I see.

I see everything, flag it, and then wait. When I have a more fulsome picture, which Allah has always always always (so often, too often, like a kick in the f.cking face) provided, I move back and connect the flags.

I used to hate it, the way my brain moves over facts blunt, implied, and intuited.

It might be the thing I hated most about my brain. Because for years, I didn’t know how to use this strength to my advantage in service of peace. For years, there was so much sh.t I didn’t want to know. There was so much sh.t I wish I had never noticed or connected or seen.

Not anymore. Now I love and am grateful for this ability. It is one of Allah’s ways to safeguard me.

My mother says I’ve always been like this, since the day I could communicate, I’ve connected things others never saw. A little child, I would point things out directly, and surprise adults. My Scorpio rising elevates matters, fyi.

Screenshot

Screenshot

My heart has been broken by it so often in the past that I once said I didn’t want it. I wanted the peace of stupidity and not knowing. I wanted the peace of ignorance and an empty disconnected brain. Nope.

Now that I’ve learned to tune into it and harness it for protective reasons, my challenge isn’t about my experience but rather about that of others. I try so hard to let people unfold naturally around me, but this can get in the way.

Just because I see someone, it doesn’t mean they want to be seen. A lot of people live double lives, hide half of their truth, are not used to being seen, would rather be the wallflower, and/or are more comfortable making their choices (good and bad) in the dark. Pick your reason; all that matters is that while I don’t mind being fully seen because I have nothing at all to hide, and I am extremely comfortable in my skin, a lot of people don’t live this way so when I come along, I disrupt.

Again then, how do I let people unfold safely around me when they don’t want to be seen or when they aren’t used to being seen? Especially since I remember everything, and if I tell someone I don’t remember it’s because I’m pretending not to remember. Whoooo-weeee, this can really fu(k people up.

How can I continue to be as authentic and transparent as I need to breathe freely when my brain does this? How do I drive home the point that it’s okay. That you don’t have to hide or pretend or misrepresent? That I know when someone is lying. That my friends call me a human lie detector. That my intuition is 10000000% spot on.

I can’t.

Instead, I have had to accept that people’s fears drive their inability to live authentically, and so even when I see their authentic self and it changes nothing (read: I do not love them less), I can’t pull the truth from their lips. Not until they’re ready and sometimes, some people will die not ready.

Ya Allah, sit with the broken hearts; they are most in need of Your company. Sit with those who are so fear-full that they choose to carry the weight and burden of inauthenticity every step of their day. Protect them, lift their hearts, remind them that the repercussions to their honesty will never be as bad as they imagine it to be.

—————

Comments closed.