Dear Taylor Kitsch (& Readers & Dan Cone)

September 24, 2009 - Friday Night Lights, The Funnies - Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , - 15 comments

Dear Taylor Kitsch,

From you, I have never once hid the fact that I am a cheating slut, nor that I would dump your exceptionally and perfectly curved bottom, in an instant, were Coach Eric Taylor interested in cheating on Tami (even though I pretend that I would not hurt the sisterhood in this fashion, I would stab Tami for a chance to fumble Coach Eric Taylor’s football). But that’s neither here nor there.

What is both here and there is that to the list of descriptives you use when you are bored and sad and miss and talk about me to your friends, you may now add ‘fickle’, because I am back.

I am back and ask that you forgive me my indiscretions with Jared Padalecki.

As much as I love his physique ability to speak to theology and politics, his hairstyle is setting alight dormant aspirations to hair dressing that I know will disappoint my mum (“some of my best friends are hair dressers…”).

Also, Rigglett, unlike you when you are busily sexing your females, he doesn’t appear to make use of his tongue very often. Since we are all very aware of the Fact that tongues are the sisterhood’s BFF, this reality poses grave and disconcerting news for all, most especially I who – having waited 34 years – isn’t interested in a non-tonguer. (Thank you for your time Jared ‘non-tonguer’ Padalecki, and good bye.)

This morning, a reader sent me this fantastic video of you being dumb (and I mean, like, in the smartest most intelligent way) and cute and very British Columbian Canadian when you declare:
“What? Are you? kidding me?
This was. I can. Can I swear?
Holy shit. Man.
That’s the first time. He uh. He put the flies down.
somethingsomethingmumbleTaylorhassomethinginhismouthanditsnotmesoIdontcare
This is like.
Do you know when you’re on tv? and the fuckers had the fish on the line and like? they just said action.
This is insane man.
somethingsomethingmumblemumble“.

Being an Ontario native, I have a very hard time fighting off the seductive prowess of West Coast hippies such as yourself.
Will you take me back?
If you’d like, I will send you a photo of myself in a bikini while wearing thigh-high rubber boots, with a FlyFishPole in one hand…if there is such a thing…and a potted plant in the other, and standing in a pool because rivers and ponds and lakes give me the heebie jeebies.

I look forward to our reunion,
Maha
P.S. I reserve the right to cheat on you again, with whomever pleases me.

Dear Readers,

Taylor Kitsch enjoys working with sick children.
Anyone have a non-contagious one I can borrow?

Really, very grateful,
Maha

Dear Dan Cone, FlyFishingFriend of Taylor Kitsch,

I really appreciate your use of the word “channelizes”; a word I did not even know existed until watching the above linked-to video.
It is my word of the day: I am a girl who channelizes all of her energy into her make-believe cartoon life.

Thank you,
Maha