Dear Know-It-All, I feel as though I am stuck in a rut and can’t get passed it. Every guy I like turns out to have commitment issues or isn’t into me. Everyone else seems to be either getting engaged, engaged, married, pregnant or just had a baby. I feel as though the universe is conspiring against me. Is there something wrong with me? How can I finally get ahead to a good relationship, marriage and all the rest?
Hello love – Before I tackle your Q, I would like for you to please stop looking to the experiences of others, if you wish to really find your own path in this world. It really honestly is alright that everyone else is using their uterus and has a partner, while you are not. Shed this need to compare yourself to others; choose instead to figure out only your own path in this small short world. (And sometimes, we believe it is best that we are sovereign, unmarried, living single within the guidelines prescribed by God, while managing the occasional psychotic break where we either shake our fists at the sky, or try to do something equally stupid to ourselves, by our own hands. This too is alright; do not let anyone tell you that you are less because you are unmarried; most of all, do not let yourself tell this to your own heart ever, not under any ciscumstance.)
Now. Let me answer your Q as simply and as clearly as possible – no, there’s nothing wrong with you; yes, you are actively pursuing men who are not available. I know that you didn’t ask a second Q, but it is implicit in your asking the first, and also in your comparing yourself to the experiences of others.
Contrary to what some people may believe, this is not random for anyone. If you stand far back away from your scenarios and from the men whom you have pursued / been interested in, you will note that the only common denominators are (1) you; and, (2) their unavailability.
My answer to you is one where you will be forced to ask yourself some uncomfortable questions; two to be specific. First: Am I actually yet ready for commitment? (Take it from a woman whose been there – it is very easy to delude ourselves into believing that we are in fact ready, when we are not. Meaning, I had to at one point stop whispering ‘I want to go skiing’ while strapping on my skates.)
The second more important Q to ask yourself is if you come up with ‘yes’ to the 1st: Why do I only believe I am worthy of a love unrequited?
We really do seek out only that which we believe we deserve, and emotionally unavailable men (and women) are nothing short of vampires feeding on our emotions. In this reality, there is nothing sexy or merciful, kind, respectful or caring to be found. Basically, within this sort of an engagement are none of the characteristics of a healthy and lasting relationship.
That said, there is something more happening in-between your head and your heart and you need to understand what it is before you plunk yourself into a situation which is unhealthy in the long run because expecting that someone alter their emotional availability after marriage is like asking a Care Bear to turn into a Unicorn. An emotionally unavailable boy/girlfriend will only turn into an emotionally unavailable husband/wife. This in mind, the answers you find here may be extremely painful to face, so put on some big girl panties and dig as deep as you can. If you have one or two beloved friends with whom you can discuss this openly and honestly then I would encourage you to seek out their help and guidance as well.
Once you’ve sorted out these two questions, and once you have seen the answers for yourself, you will be able to see the weakest link in your behaviour which you can then attack to break your own pattern. Unless you decide that your pattern makes you far happier than any altered state.
Good luck and keep your prayers strong,
M xo
By them I mean m or f. Basically, anyone that says, “I think this might be off, smell it” or “is this clean, smell it” Is just asking for a punch in the throat.
Also Carol – I was sitting at the Oak the other night listening intently to a conversation at the table next to me. One of the women was throwing around “PERMISSION TO SPEAK” like it was a pair of panties and she was sliding up and down a pole. I wish you could have been there to gently (and by gently I mean, not so much) “suck it buttercup” her
miss you very much!