Usually, Ramadan is a more-heightened-than-normal-life experience. Last year was the first year I had an exceptional Ramadan. I woke up every morning before sunrise and had a small bite to eat, prayed subuh (the 1st of 5 daily prayers) and then fell back asleep before waking up to begin my day.
Last year was also the first ever year I was completely entrenched within Ramadan. I was focused on, living and breathing the character that – failing to carry it throughout the year – was supposed to be representative of Islam. When I stood to pray, I imagined myself inside of and protected by a teardrop that was being looked after by God. It was a wonderful, amazing and – admittedly – exhausting experience; focused and clear and simple.
This year, I can’t seem to find my way to any of the above.
I was, and remain humbled that I am experiencing another Ramadan with a near 1.5 billion sisters and brothers in this, my faith tradition of Islam.
I am grateful for every blessing I find in every nook and cranny of my everyday life (& everything is indeed the cherry on the cake that is an already blessed life; I am not complaining and I am not taking for granted anything).
I am equal parts excited and scared that this is the month during which I get to reflect on the good, the bad and the ugly of last year, in order to focus on all that I hope to change, accomplish, dismiss, refine and deepen this coming year.
With that still, this is not my month – not this year, anyway.
This, I do not mean physically, as even though the fasting day is at nearly 14 hours per day, I am not at all hungry. In fact, I feel healthy and energized all day long.
It is, unfortunately, a spiritual malaise and fatigue that has overwhelmed me. I am going through the motions without a sense of connection to anything horizontal or vertical, and this saddens me in a way I can not express as I don’t fully understand it. This year, and with all of the laughter and excitement that rises with the pretty sun, I am feeling a little bit out at sea without focus during the one month where I should be firmly anchored.
There are 19 days left; I don’t believe we live in the age of miracles – or perhaps we no longer recognize them – and so I don’t expect much to change over the coming three weeks. All I can hope is that next year, inshallah, I will be capable of experiencing Ramadan at center, once more.
Anonymous Anonymous said…
we are programmed to expect that good things require a lot of hard work and they do,most of the time. Sometimes, if we are really good at something, it comes easy, without pain and then we wonder if it is really as good as we think it is.
maybe because you re not tired and exhausted physiclly, it is harder to get in “the zone” because your life is normal.. seems that you indeed have achieved the capacity to control your body and no longer need to work hard at it? You re just used to getting in “the zone” through an exhaustive physical experience and need to find another route to it.. Appreciate the fact you can sail thru it and be at peace with that.. get yourself into the “one-good-deed-a day-Opera thing” and focus on that or “one new character challenge a day” and focus on that… I am still trying to get thru the control over your body thing dealing with caffine deprivation trying to avoid yawning in meetings 🙂
the fact that you are looking for that experience puts you way ahead of amny others.. remember that!
BB
Tue Sep 01, 08:18:00 AM
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Blogger Sumaira said…
Maha, I am proud that you got to live that experience at least once (and inshallah more to come). Some people strive for that peace every year but fail to reach it knowing what they are doing and failing to correct it and some not knowing at all. Having reached it once and knowing the joy and sanctity of it, you are luckier than many others.
Don’t beat yourself up about not living that this year, the fact that your are trying and aware, puts you above many I know. Allah is all knowing & all seeing, He shall see your inner awareness.
Lot of love
xoxo
Tue Sep 01, 08:55:00 AM
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Anonymous Maria Calvo said…
You’re not hungry?? WOW. I am completely impressed. Maha you probably either have a eating disorder or you’re way solid spiritually dude. I’m guessing the last option so chill out and don’t be too hard on yourself. Your friends above are right. Listen to us 🙂
Hugs,
Maria
Tue Sep 01, 06:35:00 PM
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Blogger yasmine said…
Maha,
You are not the only one feeling unanchored during this month — and I must admit to feeling some relief that I am not the only one, either. Everyone around me is happily sharing experiences of their fajr and taraweeh and dhikr and god-consciousness and quran, and I’m just feeling…nothing. Besides hunger, of course.
It’s not that I don’t believe, and it’s not that I’m not fasting. I do, and I am. It’s just that I can’t seem to get into the spiritual rituals (regular prayers, recitation of the quran, etc.) and the elevated sense of god-consciousness that I thought I’d have during this month. I want it to be like this (as I wrote nearly 6 years ago), and I’m sure not quite how to get back to that. Instead, it’s still more like this, last year’s Ramadan.
InshaAllah khayr.
Meanwhile, though, as BB and Sumaira and Maria mention above, the fact that we’re dissatisfied/disappointed with our respective spiritual states is still a good starting point. And there are other things we could do to push ourselves.
I just finished reading this post by Imam Zaid Shakir, and he gives me hope that, as the essay he translates says, “During the Month of Ramadan there are many avenues to God’s forgiveness.”
I still need to click around through this page, but perhaps this may help, too?
Tue Sep 01, 08:26:00 PM
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Blogger Clay said…
it’s true that you can’t expect every single Ramadan to be as perfect as last year’s; that would ruin its exceptionality. and i’m sorry to repeat this, but as everyone above has said, noting this is a good sign.
it’s very easy to be distracted by everything else, even when you can’t quite tell what it is that is distracting you.
Wed Sep 02, 04:21:00 AM
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Anonymous Anonymous said…
How are you feeling now precious girl?
x
Fri Sep 04, 11:31:00 PM
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Blogger one female canuck said…
BB – that's (of course) an excellent perspective. It is amazing how we're sort of conditioned to believe that if it doesn't *feel* like a challenge, then it shouldn't be fulfilling (this isn't specific to Islam, obv). Thank you. (And oh my GOD, are you kidding about me being ahead of anyone, let alone YOU? 3anjad, the not eating got to you 😉 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo)
Sumaira – Thanks also to you for your insightful comment. Again, it's a matter of perspective and it seems that when we look at ourselves, we are always so much more critical and demanding.
Not everyone, but (dare I suggest it): The HEALTHY ones 🙂
Love you too.
Maria – Thanks for the funny comment. And…I did chill the eff out and listen to my friends. They do know best 🙂
Yasmine – The esperience you mention and share is absolutely amazing. I understand – having lived it – how difficult it is to feel like we're falling short when we don't have that again and again. BUT, as you also noted, BB & Sumaira make excellent points that are 100% true.
I think we really Do hold ourselves to some difficult standards all too often. All too often. That's a good thing, when we're not beating ourselves up.
Thank you, my love, for sharing your story. (Also, I had a thought the other day that was very comforting – that we can hopefully be paying things forward with Allah). Imam Zaid Shakir is a ROCKSTAR. He deserves hundreds of HIGHFiVES!!!!!
Clay- Another excellent point. If every year were exceptional, it would take the beauty of the experience away from us 🙂
x- All comments above helped me refocus. It was one experience of Ramadan and I look forward to the next, be it the same or another.
xox