Dear Vatican –

I am doing this on the fly and so please forgive my quickness and really shit grammar and spelling; also, I am a Muslimah – and God is my savior, not Jesus. I hope this won’t make you wish to send me to Hell. Thank you.

A few things – primarily, your home is gorgeous and I thank you for letting me in at a cost. Really.

I have some recommendations on how you may improve your generosity. Primarily, I would ask that you improve your signage, because on a few occasions, I didn’t know whether my bum was to my left or atop my head. At first, I assumed this was because of my chosen Faith, until the Catholic with whom I was traveling shared that she was as confused as I.

Second, please consider contracting Disney to take care of ‘the situation’ of the staircase which leads one up to the Dome of the Basilica – your 551 steps are not the problem, but you should have both rest-stops for peeing and drinking. If not, then consider adding some cute pages who would throw water at us as we ascend the stairs (much like those who hang on the side of a race track).

Also, maybe consider adding a slide for the descent. Give your gatherers a choice to slide down…and maybe land in a vat of holy water? This would be fun.

Or, you could possibly have a ride (with ‘It’s a Small World After All’ in the background) that takes one up to the Dome while seated in mini Pope Mobiles, and with all of the different popes coming out and spinning around us. Naturally, your pages would be the ones who help us on and off in their Court Jester like suits. Adorable are they with their gorgeous thick luscious heads of hair. Did you choose them this way on purpose? Do you think they’re pretty? Because, really, they are very pretty, and very young boys.

Finally, my deepest apologies for the near international incident I caused. Two actually. The time when I was waving into your cameras on the stairway from the Dome, and which nearly led to the tumbling down of many of your Catholics. Also, the time I thought it would be fun to stand inside of your confessional and have my picture taken. If you had proper signage (please see above reference) then I would not have thought such a shot would make an excellent photo opp (although it did, as your boys were a little late on the tut-tutting).

Thanks again. All my sisterly – and not in a nun kind of way, although I did greatly admire their hijab – love in Faith and belief in God.

Peace,
Maha