I hold myself to an extreme standard of behaviour, and although I do my best to soften this where others are concerned (because who in the sh/t am I to hold anyone to any standard?), if I don’t check myself, I can be insufferably judgemental. (Even in my own head, I need to check my ass.) I have come up against some interesting scenarios over the last several years, where tested was my threshold of support, and identified was my level of comfort with the behaviour of friends.
Looking at the scenarios separately provides more clarity, because their core motivations differ.
When a friend behaves in a way I would not support in a stranger
There are certain and very few lines which even my friends can not transgress. Absolutely no one is immune to this. Usually, these are selfishly motivated behaviours, and once in a while we are all allowed to make such a completely and totally selfish choice. Just once in a while. (Because someone who behaves in this way repeatedly, is someone who lives by this code, is someone I would never engage in the first place. See? JUDGE-Y. But it’s simple, no? It’s not rocket science: don’t put out into the world what you would not wish to reap. If we all lived by this code, this world would be a much nicer place, God damn it.)
Right. So, I have learned that I must excuse myself immediately. The best way to do this is to actually let the friend know — with love — that I am tapping out of the conversation because I believe their behaviour is shit and I refuse to support it. Quite honestly, I’m not sure I say it much kinder than that, and where the conversation turns back to that scenario, I don’t pull any punches.
On this, I expect the exact same in return. Where I behave in self-involved possibly hurtful to others manner, my friends have called me on it, and I am a better woman for their gentle yelling.
When a friend repeatedly engages in self-destructive behaviour
This one is a trickier one because too much support becomes a form of enabling someone you love to emotional — if not worse — self-mutilation. And if you don’t support them, the fear is that their isolation will further push them into the situation from which they have asked you to help them leave. The only way to deal with this is to pay as close attention as you can to a friend, to love them unconditionally, and to be very clear with them at every step of the way. Usually, this happens because of a combination of environmental factors: childhood experience, abusive partner, and challenged self-worth.
Only twice have I had to tell someone I love that I am no longer engaging, because my engagement is enabling their behaviour. And because I tend to make everything about me, let me confirm that: I was devastated, because I was so very worried for them. Devastated to the point of physical nausea and the shakes, in fact, just like the quintessential drama queen. Blessed be, and in due time, both of these individuals who daily break my heart with their amazingness, were able to eventually self emancipate. Hurrah them!
Like I said, this scenario is the trickier of the two, and usually filled with more heartbreak. The two most important things here are that (1) you tell them you love them. You tell them how much you love them and that the reason you need to disengage is precisely because you love them; and, (2) you up the ante in all other dimensions of the friendship. Never ever cut them off, but rather no longer discuss the one (or several) items you no longer support. If you have a healthy friendship, you will have twenty topics to discuss on any given day; with one or a few less, you should still have about ten more things to engage.
Simply, and in both scenarios above, what we are essentially doing is loving and supporting our friends, but not loving and supporting one or a few of the choices which they have made. Also, displaying that we have enough respect for them to tell them the truth.
If a friendship can’t be sustained with differing opinions, then the foundation — which should be built of mutual respect — never had time to dry and set itself properly into place. Friendships aren’t just about fellating one another in order to make ourselves feel good; they are a means to growth for both of you, because as so beautifully stated by W. Somerset Maugham, “When you choose your friends, don’t be short-changed by choosing personality over character.” Character builds both itself and you, and we could all use a little character building, especially the judge-y bitches like me.
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Iqbal — I see! Thanks for the clarity 🙂
HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT HER, HE WILL NEVER CARE ABOUT YOU
and
PUT YOURSELF IN HER SHOES
but none of it worked and she stopped being friends with all of us until a couple of yuears later which is how long their affair went on she saw him out in public with his wife who he was so loving with and he made eye contact with her like she waas no one.
We are friends again but I hear you on saying no to your friends when they need to hear it.
Thanks for this, Maha!! -lily
A caring friend would not allow a friend to drive while drunk for fear of physical injury. Though that is much easier to measure, and much more acceptable, I agree with you and Jenn that a part of being an excellent friend is to tell your friends when they will sustain emotional injury and help them to avoid it if they accept your help.
I really enjoyed this, Maha. Thank you.
Thomas
Thomas — discussing the physical aspect of protection (i.e. drinking and driving) seems so much easier for people. Interestingly, it’s the emotional pain that usual lingers eternal, that so many people refuse to understand. Thank you for your comment.
cvc — Thank you very very very much for your comment. I have to be careful not to be an asshole sometimes, but my lucky is that my friends have called me out in the past if ever I have been too harsh. (And they know that it always comes from a place of love.)
Hafsa — Thank you for reading. x