For most of my life, I understood the level at which I should expect to be treated by those in my life, and could demand it in return because I remain aware of what I bring to the table in any given relationship, romantic and platonic.
Romantically, three times I have let that slip, two being quite recent.
Two situations, one which had carried on for a couple of years, another for perhaps six months, both not knowing where I stood; two available and engaged men who somehow remained unavailable even when present; two situations which forced me to take stock of what it was precisely that still made me feel withered, and I quickly realized that these men, they were simply not enough. This, not because I am some needy clownish lunatic, but rather because they were takers (insert full stop). There was no give and take, but only take, and let me tell you how absolutely exhausting this is for a woman who is more than happy to give because it makes me happy to give. How exhausting it is — maybe especially for a Libra — to be on the heavy end of an imbalanced scale.
Aalya says that every love is a lesson. And from these boys, the lessons re-learned were that I want a man who will remember me, and who will be gentle, kind, hilarious, sexy, and sexual (because, seriously? Isn’t this the ultimate connection? Nirvana of skin brought on by another?), adventurous, compassionate and loyal. I want someone who I can keep playing with for a very long time, because there is enough shit in this world that when I go home, I want to play. In my sanctuary. With this man.
I know couples at both ends of that play scale, and the hotter ones who still carry sexual tension between them after years and children are the ones I learn from, and they’re the ones who play. They are the ones who approach life (not just a relationship) like it’s a playground, understanding that it takes two to get super high on the swing, and two to play on the seesaw, and two to build a sand castle proper, and two so that one can shove the other faster when needed; capture the flag, hide and seek, simon says? You can’t play alone, and this world is a blessing and a gift and it is a playground.++ The ones who don’t see this, are — quite frankly — miserable, and a bore to be around, and the ones I see least and never make a point of actually seeing unless forced.
Another point, since I am on some kind of a rip tonight, let’s slightly touch on a near-extinct species: a man who will wear the God damn pants in the relationship, because being gentle and kind doesn’t mean you need to be a pussy. (You know, FYI.) As a woman who has had to fend for herself for too many of my years, I am actually looking forward to ceding control and entrusting it to another. In the presence of a man who takes control, I feel more like the woman I like to be (and I get this is not for everyone).
But for those of you who would judge me on that statement, the ones of you whose panties just scrunched up at what I wrote because how non-feminist of me, kindly f/ck off and go look for your heavily emasculated man. Start in the washroom where he’s likely hiding from you.
Back to the original thread of this article. The above? It’s not a tall order; there are men out there who will meet these criteria, and all I need is one. Just one. Just one who will let me sink into his big hands** and take over.
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++ At least here in Canada, and where you can live within your means, outside of unnecessary debt, and where you have access to clean water and safe food and where there are no bombs or war or physical threat to your person on a normal day.
** I mention again big hands again because last night we saw This Means War and there is a hilarious segment about the repulsion brought on by “teeny tiny itsy bitsy jazz hands.” Do yourself a favour and see this movie; if it doesn’t make you want to handcuff and blindfold yourself on Tom Hardy’s watch, or to at least date a trained assassin of sorts, you might be a terrorist. Trust. (Hi Killer! Skype as soon as you’re home! x)
^^^This. This. A thousand times… this. I have sung this same song for years. I’m holding out hope that such men do exist.
It’s like…when a man tells you you’re sexy. Suddenly, you move differently in his presence. Same goes for men, we are not so different in this respect. xx
Have you seen “what the bleep do we know?” If you haven’t, youtube the water experiment… The study shows how just a normal sample of water, when spoken to kindly, gently, lovingly will change itseld – it shows all these brilliant, colorful snowflake/crystal patterns…same with water from clear, running springs. But water that has been polluted, both environmentally and with negative words and insults, changes to dull, assymetrical, ugly shapes and colors… Like its literally collapsing against itself and becoming the words it hears.
Humans are 70% water…the implication is that we will rise or collapse to the words with which we are caressed/crushed. Why wouldn’t we?
Lol random, but totally relevant.
Fatoom — thank you! And I you![🙂](https://s.w.org/images/core/emoji/15.0.3/svg/1f642.svg)
Amazing. While I was reading your comment about how water moves to kind words, THE ONLY thought I had was that humans are made of mostly water…and then you made the same connection. There is absolutely no reason not to believe that humans would react in exactly this way. I am not home, but will watch this tomorrow. Thank you for the reference, and for sharing a brain xxo
Interesting this convo. Me, I am 100% okay with ceding control of situations. And I am 100% ok that a man I am in love with and trust and have fun with is “the boss of me” (here I mean: boss of the situation, not me per se). Because I trust he is not an asshole and will ever manipulate and corrupt and abuse that decision making power which I have handed him (and which, obvi, I would take back in an instant if he did abuse it). With that clarity, I completely understand and respect your perspective. Any man would be lucky to have you. LUCKY!
x
Not boss of me; boss of most of the situations on hand.That’s where the ceding of control comes in, for me. (I have added parenthesis to my response to KC to clarify :))
I’ll see your tampon comment and raise it:
– Don’t holler at them if they don’t do things your way — there are a million ways to do things.
– Don’t holler at them, period.
– Don’t parent them. Jesus Christ.
– Don’t belittle them // mock them // tell them they are incompetent.
– Don’t tell them that they have no say.
Of course: the above goes both ways.
xx
And so funny (interesting) that you have “let it slip” twice recently. Me TOO! I’m thinking there is a lesson in that. Not sure what it is, but I am sure.
I find myself trying to negotiate the space between these two sentiments.
http://bentlily.com/2012/02/13/love-is-not-fragile/
and this:
http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2012/02/18/your-love-should-never/
I’m sorry that you two went through something similar recently. I hate seeing those I love go through any level of heartache, but it seems inevitable.
May we both find our men, inshAllah.
xxo
You know what I am going to do, right?
I am going to print out all of your additional clarifications above and I am going to make them an addendum to my marriage papers. He will have to read them, and then I will allow you all to test him via email.
I love your clarifications xxoxxo
xoxo back at ya
Volume 1: Sexing.
Volume 2: “Permissions.”
Volume 3: When I say “lead,” I mean…
Volume 4: More sexing.
Volume 5: Hygiene.
Volume 6: Body maintenance.
Volume 7: Miscelanneous.
I love it.![🙂](https://s.w.org/images/core/emoji/15.0.3/svg/1f642.svg)