Maha,

I have been married for 4 years and I am 38. My husband thinks that we’re trying to have a baby but he doesn’t know I’m still taking the pill. I don’t want children because I really love our relationship and I see it all of the time when people have children they stop being a couple. I am too scared to tell him especially because he has children from a previous marriage and I can see how much he adores them. I am worried he will leave me if he ever finds out. I am so scared having a kid will really mess us up 🙁 Help!

Well. The good news is that if he leaves you, it’s not because you don’t want children; it’s probably because you’re a liar. I’m kidding. Sort of.

What troubles me about this is not that you don’t want to have children — because there are days when I look at them and wonder why in the f/k I would ever willfully hand my life off to incomprehensible vampires (until they giggle and cause my ovaries to respond in kind). But more on this in a moment.

For now, let’s instead take a look at your biggest problem, which is that there is some sort of a massive disconnect between you and your man. That you don’t want to have children is a fact that you simply ought not lie about, and he may surprise you. But in order for you to give him the chance to surprise you, you need to talk to him about this and express your feelings and desires, and ultimately fears of what having a child may do to your relationship.

From there, you two can discuss it, and figure out ways to move forward. You are meant to be a team, so start acting like it, because he is your partner and you chose him to be your partner for a reason. Primary between you two has to be communication and openness — you need to be able to tell him everything without feeling judged, as does he.

He deserves to know that his sperm is playing offense on a losing team, because the flip side of this would have been that you wanted to get pregnant, but he was still crushing and placing into your morning juice a birth control pill without your knowledge. Imagine? Imagine how betrayed you would feel?

As per your not wanting to have children because you fear that your relationship will change. It will; this is an inevitable reality. Things can’t but change when your man has to wrestle his own seedling to get at your boobs. Boobs which he assumes are his for the taking at any and at all times. Thing is, this doesn’t mean that the spark has to die or that you can’t still be your partner’s best friend and hottest sexer.

I think the key, however, is to talk about it beforehand and to keep talking about it afterwards and to never. Ever. Let things drop. Using your imagination and making an effort is huge. I can attest to this not from experience, but from watching relationships around me wither and die, when people simply stop trying. And if anything, becoming married means you have to work harder. Work harder because the immediate assumption is that once you’re married it’s forever, and people stop putting in the work. But nothing is forever. Absolutely nothing.

Also prioritize, and make him yours — the best relationships around me are the ones where the adults prioritize themselves and their relationship and their hotness above the baby. And the baby? They’re fine. Babies are amazing, and the moment you can shove them off to your mum’s, or his mum’s, or your best friend’s, or his best friend’s, do it as often as possible. Have your date nights. Keep fit (him too; NO BELLIES!). Buy lingerie. Slippery sheets. Run baths. Light candles. Share a laugh, have fun, keep playing. Be interested in and work to keep your partner interested. Share experiences which are focused solely on one another as a man and a woman first, parents second or maybe even third. You will be fine, and so will your seedlings.

Then when you’re 90, you’ll have a young adult who’ll wipe your bottom when you can’t.

Who could ask for anything more?

Hope that helps!

Love,

M

P.S. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not natural to not want children, by the way. If you and your man decide not to plant and reap, that is a 100% valid life choice.