Maha.
My new boyfriend told me he cheated on his ex to get out of the relationship and I am having a really hard time trusting him now every time he looks at another woman and it’s causing a lot of trouble and anxiety. He slept with someone else. I love him so much but I don’t know if I can get past this even when he says it was only once 🙁
Any advice for a girl like me?
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Editorial note: In what follows, I am only talking about the person who is the cheater, and not the person who / if is single and involved physically with someone who is in a relationship. Additionally, I am only discussing those who actually take their thinking to a place of action and physically jump into bed with someone who is not their partner.
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Dear Girl Like You,
Thank you for your question; I am sending you a very warm hug.
I used to believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. Until people began confiding that they had in fact cheated on their partners, until someone I dearly love became involved with such a scenario. I had to recognize and accept that relationships and matters of the heart have to be taken on a case-by-case scenario and that it’s not fair to generalize in such a complicated situation.
Achtung! Because I don’t know your man or the detailed circumstances, what follows is a generalization.
I read once that there are 17 reasons people cheat, and that it is as often the woman as it is the man. (This is something with which I struggle because I am equal parts extremely naive and fiercely loyal, and assume that most people are like me; the moment my heart belongs to someone, I — quite literally — stop seeing other men. Physically, they no longer register on my radar. That said, I have never been in a relationship where my heart stopped belonging to my partner; I am pretty sure that were this to happen, and to ensure I did not whither and die an emotional death while taking him with me, I would get the fk out of dodge for everyone’s sake.)
Of the 17 reasons, there are only two intended outcomes: the cheater doesn’t wish to leave the current relationship, or the cheater wants to leave the relationship.
The first kind usually cheat repeatedly for the rush, the chemistry, and/or out of boredom.
I don’t wish to talk about these people because this is not pertinent to your Q.
As to the second kind, who wish to leave their current relationship. The more I see, the more I realize that this seems to be the running thing. Most people don’t know how to say: I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore, and so instead act out in ways that will force the partner’s hand to end the relationship.
Usually, the cheating partner is disconnected from their significant other and is desperately looking to connect with someone else. They are not able to leave unless they find that outside connection be it because they are not strong enough, or because matters are far too complex to navigate alone. They don’t usually engage with someone else for fun, but rather to really bridge an emptiness which then allows them to leave.
It sounds like your man falls into this later category.
The reality is that no one is an angel, we all make mistakes, and we all have a varied degree of history — this being the flip-side to the beauty and blessing that is freedom of choice. The fact that he told you is a good sign, as it speaks to a level of trust and communication between you two that you should not take for granted; please don’t punish him for this. All you can do is ask him to not do it to you. I know that sounds dumb and naive, but in a relationship where there is no trust, there is no longevity. Ever.
That said, he’s not getting off this easily.
Bottom line is that cheating is a cuntpunt to everyone involved, no matter the rationality inflicted on ourselves to justify the behaviour. Physical cheaters are cowards who made fucked up choices, while maybe their bottom line intention was a good one (i.e. getting out of a bad situation but not knowing how).
Reality is, ‘I just dropped my peen in there by accident’ and ‘…then suddenly! There was a peen inside!’ aren’t like ‘I just dropped my keys down the drain’ and ‘Before I knew it, the kid had rushed the door…’ In these nuances you need to engage a dialogue with your man. For him, he may not actually know how to walk away from a bad scenario — this is not an excuse for his behaviour but it is something which speaks to how very very very many people behave.
Talk to him about it; do not shut him out. Just maybe not now when you’re clearly still raw. If you can not approach him from a place of compassion, do not approach him at all. Take some time to think about what you want to ask him and how you wish to engage, and remember that:
– He didn’t cheat on you.
– He didn’t cheat for fun.
– He told you.
With these things in mind, ask him why he didn’t choose a different course of action and walk through your own course of action together. If, in the future, you two are no longer compatible, you need to be assured by his word (and that should be enough in a healthy relationship) that he will not act out in this same way. You also shouldn’t spend the rest of your relationship wondering where he is and what he’s doing; suspicion will make a monkey of your mind, you will be enveloped by the Darkness of Mordor, and this will give you frown lines (to be avoided at ALL COST).
The above wasn’t intended to give you any answers, but rather (& hopefully) it has given you some guidelines that you can use to navigate what’s to come.
With warmth,
M
I don’t believe there are any guarantees in life, but communication in a relationship about the tough issues is vital.
Thomas
There are a million ways to end a relationship, why choose this one that hurts so much? -lily
But in attitude and personality, not necessarily sexually. Meaning that most cheaters follow the same pattern of behavior – change is not impossible, but it is very, very hard to change the basic underpinnings of your personality. And the cheaters that I have come across (both habitual douchebags and one-time mistake makers that are otherwise good people) have this in common – they took the easy way out and they cared about themselves more than their partner.
So that’s what I’d either stay in or leave this relationship knowing – that when times are tough, most cheaters choose selfishly and don’t do the hard thing and give their partners the honesty that they deserve. Cheating is a selfish, cowardly act.
So if you think this person has changed their ways, then it’s your decision as an adult. But from my experience, very few actually change and though they may not physically have sex with another person, they probably will take the easy way out and choose themselves and their happiness over yours when push comes to shove.
Just my experience…
A philosophy prof once told me ethics (or lack of ethics) in people are simply like any muscle, you exercise it, it becoems stronger.. those who cheat, exercise their unethical part in the strongest of ways. with very few rare exceptions when the cheater is devastated and is on the floor genuinely begging for forgiveness, the likelyhood of cheating again is very high.. one may choose to forgive them and stay with them but it is not because they deserve it, it is because the forgiver cannot walk away or has decided consciously or subconciously that staying in that untrusting relationship is better for them.. the Hilary clinton scenario.. anyone who believes Bill is not cheating to this day is crazy.. Hilary could not care less, she had her plan and him staying around was needed.. she knew it and he knew it and it is working for them.. good for them.. sorry.. the rule is that some character flaws are not repairable but to be fair, there is always the exception..
your picture hunting ability is unmatched….
He will leave his family for me and I know he won’t cheat on me. People who think cheaters can’t change don’t know what they’re talking about.
If he wanted you for you he’d have left her first. He’s just looking for a lay and you’re stupid enough to give it to him.
It’s the women who almost always make the decision so if his wife leaves him ebcause she found out he was poppin’ YOU chances of him sticking around with YOU are almost next to nothing.
He’ll probably find a woman who has more self-respect and who won’t ever call his wife a “bitch” or open her legs up to a married fella.
Take it from a man.
Maha, will you marry me?
The women who sleep with the man.
love you.
L
This is a shitty one. I place more fault on the man / woman sleeping with a married man / woman. Because there is responsibility there — even where you don’t know the married’s partner — to the partner. And I think we need to exercise that responsibility even when we don’t know the original (because the cheater’s partner is “other”); to throw our hands into the air and say that we don’t have any responsibility is a crock of utter SHIT. Like, so much bullshit and nonsense that is offends me on a level I can’t begin to address.
There are women and men who find pleasure in these scenarios, and / or who believe they don’t owe the union itself or the original partner anything. Their choice to behave in this way is a cunty, and irresponsible one. Full stop. There is no shade of grey and no other word. My absolute closest friends know that were they to sleep with a married, they could never tell me because of the rift it might cause; this is how strongly I believe in this scenario, and this is among my black and greys.
There are men and women who are deeply in love with a married individual and who — hoping that they can become the original — sleep with them and imagine themselves as the ones for whom the married will leave their original. These people are to be pitied; I only feel sad for them.
Not really sure why you would ever want to be with someone who cheated on their partner to be with you — my first instinct would be that they will cheat on me, eventually. And also, my initial thought would be that “they know that I condoned their behaviour…so how can I ever call them on it if they do it again…?” But that’s me…
And look. If you want to crush on someone who is married and innocently flirt for fun, be my guest. Even where you crush on someone HARD who is a married, that’s fine too. But there is a line, and that line can never ever ever be crossed. Absolutely never. You keep your ass checked at all times, and as absolutely vigilant as possible.
Thanks for asking xxoxxoxxoxxo