For a variety of reasons, some rooted within my messy relationship with baba during my teenage years, others rooted in painfully challenging situations with men, I often struggled with trust.
What happens is, if ever I get a whiff of malice or misrepresentation, I vanish sometimes for unidentified periods of time, sometimes forever. Aalya says that what I do is disappear so that I might lick my wounds and heal on my own before I can resurface. Maxi calls it my Shut Off Valve, and it is something about myself which I dislike, and so something I constantly work to challenge when I feel it creeping around in the shadows of my mind.
Once my trust has been lost and a wound inflicted, my experience becomes black and white, rendering it near impossible for me to re-build trust with said individual. In the most extreme playing out of The Shut Off Valve, I have disappeared entirely from someone’s life without giving them the courtesy of a conversation. Devastating, I know.
One of the ways by which I am changing this about myself is to trust in God, and to trust in the protection of His Grace. Essentially, placing trust in Him, rather than in people.
For a while, I was struggling and could not face my prayer mat. Though I always knew I was being carried in His (metaphorical) heart, I could not bring myself to turn toward Him for a variety of reasons. I was extremely ill at ease while this was happening, always aware that there was something missing. That my best friend was not present because I had closed the door and left Him outside, though I kept peeking out from behind the blinds and looking at Him.
My friend Blue and I talked about this at length and he encouraged me, like a Nike commercial, to just do it. Even when I wasn’t feeling it, to just pray. And so on January 9th, I began my day with my morning prayer and have continued since, alhamduliLah.
Recently, I changed my position from “this is an obligation and a duty” to “there are five times a day where I get to have private time with Allah during which I can reflect and allow my heart to be vulnerable.” While I wouldn’t say that I am jumping with joy every time I have to perform ablution, I can say that the thought of saying Hia to Allah for a few minutes eases the lazy.
Back to the point of this article. There are 99 names for Allah in Islam, two of which are in the decal in the photo: “Ya Fattah, Ya Salaam.”
Al-Fattah means The Opener, or “He Who Opens all things.” While this has several meanings, the most important for me is that He removes all obstacles in our path. This is the essence of this name, and it is meant to be integrated all across the board starting with the physical obstacles in this world, to the psychological obstacles with which we struggle when trying to move ahead, and culminating in the removal of spiritual obstacles on the path to Heaven.
Returning to my issues of mis/trust, and keeping in mind Ya Fattah, I have learned to slowly shift my positioning from one of mis/trust in someone to trust in God. Trusting that He will remove anything and anyone who might devastate me, and also trusting that only placed in my world are those who will help me grow and learn, challenge me to become better, and who will do their best to never ever crush my heart. Often, I tumble and face dive into regressive thinking, but I usually catch myself early enough that I might take a couple of steps back and start again before it’s too late.
This shift also helps me lighten my load and my heart. To be in a constant state of mis/trust is horrible and it is heavy and hurtful to both ourselves and to those around us. To be in a constant state of trusting in God, however, brings with it a lightness and calm to ourselves and which — I think — is reflected in how we treat others and how they see us when they take a glance our way.
Al-Salaam means The Source of Peace. This one is self-explanatory, and it’s importance in my world and in my understanding of faith traditions as they are reflected in the lives of people should be obvious enough to anyone who has been reading me regularly.
“Ya Fattah, Ya Salaam.”
When combined, to believe in The Opener is to also believe that He is The Source of Peace. It is to believe that He will remove all obstacles which would bring anything but peace into our hearts and lives. The flip side of this is that He will open the doors to those men, women, and situations which will bring love and light to our station; doors opened for only those who would hold our trust and vulnerable hearts with only the greatest gentleness and softest care. Finally for me, it is to believe that everything happens for the best of reasons; that while the revelation of “why” may not be immediate in instances of trauma, the revelation will come eventually as there is Godliness in patience.
Though only time will tell, I am slowly coming to believe that this perspective is what will allow me to open my heart entirely and free fall into the arms of another, since to love can only happen when we trust. I imagine that this year will be a very interesting one unfolding…
Here is another photo of the decal, a little more clear in its size and stature. Being approximately 4 feet x 4 feet, it is a gorgeous addition to The Cloud Cave, and it gives me reason to stop and think and find calm when I may be otherwise disheveled. Additionally, it looks like there’s an ‘M’ (for Maha) at the top…which…I mean….how could I have resisted?
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If you are interested in more Muslim art work, please pop by Irada Arts for a look and see.
Love you and btw more importantly trust you. C xxoo. That which does not kill you always makes you stronger.
I love reading your writing. Congrats on starting to pray and I hope you will continue to find peace in doing it. The way I see it is the prayers are meant to be right smack in the middle of our “lives” so that we don’t too caught up in the bullshit. Right after that annoying meeting with that person you wanted to avoid and now you have all these ill thoughts on your mind, well guess what: its time for prayer. I helps us to unplug from the world and reconnect to something more important: the truth, the real reality. Pray, breathe, and be merry!
I think you’re right about self-preservation and licking your wounds. I just don’t think it’s a bad thing, or necessarily a thing against God. While you (and myself) may have to accept that people aren’t as perfect as we’d like (including ourselves), maybe that’s may be a separate point? Sometimes our instincts tell us something that shouldn’t be ignored. Sometimes we need the time to shut off and heal, and sometimes certain people need to exit our lives. I know you’re hard on yourself – it’s one of the reasons I respect you so much, because most people aren’t. But unless this shut off is harming your friends or your family, maybe it’s a natural response and not a flaw…
I can’t know, since it’s your valve. You feel the need to change it, and I’m sure that instinct is valid. I think I’ve just always trusted my personal shut off valve. It’s a coping mechanism, and we all need them to deal with some of the less pleasant aspects of life.
Be gentle with yourself, dear. We all want self-improvement and try to root out our disliked weaknesses. I guess I’ve learned just recently that we each have our weaknesses, and they make us who we are just like our strengths do. To my surprise though, sometimes they’re a little charming, if they’re the right ones. Humanity can be imperfectly perfect, loved all the more, just as we love our friends and family despite (and sometimes because of) their flaws. Sometimes I find myself too interested in being strong and perfect that I forget to be weak when it’s right, or forget to accept my imperfection and my heart.
At the very least, you sound like you need a bubble bath and some ice cream…
Beautiful Conservative — I will lean, and I am looking forward to it in fact. And ditto on the love back, but more importantly the trust back your way. My love to your man, please.
Shukran ya Sam. Always a pleasure to know when some of this stuff resonates with people 🙂 “Pray, Breathe, Be Merry” I imagine would have been far more interesting than the vitriol “Pray, Eat, Love” or whatever order it was named in 🙂
Jen, your comments always give me so much pause and food for thought. Thank you. As per your Q, the reason that The Shut Off Valve had to be shifted was because it’s presence didn’t allow for the “imperfectly perfect.” I didn’t give people the chance to be human and one error was all it took. There is something fundamentally wrong with this as it does not begin from a place of compassion, which is where I try to be (and am learning still) always. I need to give people the room to be imperfect because I am such a lame ass loser riddled with fault that it’s not fair or right for me to expect more than I can offer. I hope that’s clear. (And note that where my gut kicks me, I pay attention immediately and never question that natural instinctual reaction.)
xxo xxo xxo
I don’t accept imperfection easily either, in myself or others. My boss (she’s one of my very best friends too) is constantly reminding me that I can’t be perfect at everything. I always remind her that I know, but I’d really LIKE to be…
It’s harder for me to accept faults in those closest to me – somehow I expect them to be better people than the average Joe because I’ve let them into my heart, and that isn’t always fair to them, but it does help me bring quality people into my life. It sucks most to disappoint them and yourself.
Guess mostly it’s learning to choose which imperfections we’ll accept in others and which we won’t. Our mutual friend T once said something to me that I remember always on this subject. It was in regards to relationships, but it works in friends too – you shouldn’t look for someone with no baggage (faults), you just look for someone whose baggage matches yours and can go together as a set. She’s a wise one.
Guess I just read your blog before this and both hit a bit close to home. Shut off is my home for a bit. But I do love reading your wisedom and knowing I’m not alone.
I’ve learned two things:
1) People who don’t have baggage haven’t lived, and generally tend to be without interesting lives lived.
2) People have a choice to do one of two things with baggage: lug around 16 pieces and learn nothing from it, or examine their experiences and turn their 16 pieces into a fanny pack.
I choose the later 🙂
xxo