The Fair-Weather Altruist

June 25, 2012 - Faith, Mindful Living - Tagged: altruism, caring, dealing with hurt, healthy living, how to be a better woman, letting go of bitterness, loving, nurturing, refusing poison and toxic in your heart, stepping away from pain, The Crazy, what do I do when someone hurts me? - 10 comments

This original post has been updated, and can now be found right this way –> The Altruist.

10 thoughts on “The Fair-Weather Altruist”

Jen August 16, 2011 at 12:42 pm

You make a good point about seeing the other side of our pain. However, I think our pain in not necessarily a learning/growing experience for others, I think it’s an opportunity for such. While I agree it has the potential to be a good thing for others, there are more than a few instances where the other person involved didn’t learn, didn’t grow, didn’t take the chances offered to them to at least make some small positive change. I know there are a few times in my life when I’ve carried around hurt and suffering and still one where I carry anger towards another. Not positive. But I guess I feel that if I knew my pain would help others, I’d offer it. Much like donating blood. However, when it is ignored or misused, what then is the benefit?

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One Female Canuck August 16, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Hi Jen — your comments are always so thought-provoking. Thank you!

The learning must be a choice (both by ourselves and by those who inflict the pain), as with everything else in our lives. Within every moment, there exists the potential to learn and to evolve.

As to your Q — when it is ignored, what’s the benefit? I think the heart of the matter is that even if there isn’t an apparent benefit, we should still aim to exist in that frame of mind.

The reality is that the individual who did the crushing may NEVER learn. But with that, we still should actively work toward wishing them only the best and opening up our hearts to their improvement even when they have shit on us.

I’m not saying be a rug and let people walk all over you. I am saying that when someone behaves as a shit, accept it, cut them loose (because their actions should have consequences — and the loss of you is a consequence), deal with your pain and your anger and then allow forgiveness entry into your heart. Forgiveness tempered with an understanding that you swallowed the pain maybe, just maybe, so that they could be better. Someday. Or not. But their outcome is not your concern, rather your intention.

The alternative is that you wish people ill. Toxic like this fills us with anger and rage and pain. Like a weird little ink spill in our hearts it just soaks through. Believing that sometimes people will hurt us because it is the only way they may grow? At least that way your heart leans toward kindness and gentleness rather than anger and bitterness.

And isn’t that reason enough?

To rise above it. To do so with grace.

Ultimately, we are how we behave. And to choose behaving with kindness and gentleness over behaving with ill will and anger…?

It seems an easy choice for me.

But I have been accused of being a fkn lunatic.

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Thomas August 16, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Maha,

I don’t think any of us would ever call you a “fkn lunatic”. Just an interesting one =o)

Thanks as always for a refreshing and interesting perspective and for asking us to challenge ourselves to be better.

Thomas

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Marie-Louise August 16, 2011 at 3:24 pm

You are my hero.

I want to call you my friend. REALLY. Like I want to be able to say to people I have to ask my FRIEND MAHA what she thinks because she is so smart and funny.

Will you be my friend?

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BB August 16, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Maha.. Reading this, I wanted to scream: so this is the reason? all the hell I go through is so that some other idiots grow? They cause me the hell and I pay them back in “growth opportunities”? how horrifically unfair but also how flattering..

I am put on this earth to provide growth opportunity for humanity as a whole!!! Wow!! true or not, I will take it 🙂 it feels good to credit myself with something as big as that 🙂 I never thought I would feel like I am a frog but looking at the picture, I immediately identified with the frog, was completely grossed out by the rat that is sitting on my back and reached out to push it off of me. it did not move!

It hurts like hell to be the punching bag for others but we each carry our own cross. With regards to “we may never know how our pain helped someone else. And yet, to be closer to altruism, we must choose to accept this possibility with open arms.” ; I am working on “accepting” and will leave “embracing” to the next life.

I am working on accepting that by living my own principles (which is the only thing I can do), i force others to question their own principles. Some will become better people when they do so, others will be faced with the reality of how low they have sunk . They will refuse to accept this reality, become angry and bitter and will launch vehement attacks on whoever made them look comparatively bad just by setting a higher standard for themselves. indeed, they will cause me a lot of pain and they will not change but hopefully, others watching may learn a lesson.

I would love to say that this realization makes the pain worth it. it doesn’t but it helps makes it bearable and helps me retain my sanity. thanks for the reminder it is not all in vain. I told you, you bring more value into my life than you give yourself credit for 🙂

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one female canuck August 16, 2011 at 8:50 pm

BB.
You know — just because you may accept this particular perspective, it doesn’t mean that the c.cksucking a.sholenish of another individual’s behaviour is either excused or justified. They are not absolved.
What it provides, I hope, is a possible gateway to peace within our own hearts in the absolute *most* challeging of circumstance.
Because if we can look at a c.cksucker a.shole and believe in the above? There rest is, as they say: gravy, baby.

🙂

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BB June 25, 2012 at 6:50 pm

this posting brought back memories.. I still identified with the frog.. still wiggled to push the rat off my back .. it still didn’t move .. only difference is that I realized it is likely because i never really wanted it to fall off.. if i did, i would have jumped up and down until it dropped off… I didn’t.. it must then be that i actually do “embrace” not just accept that I am placed on this earth for a bigger reason.. to carry gross rats around to get them from where they are to where they should be .. 🙂

lots of love..

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one female canuck June 25, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Lots of love back, BB!!

I re-drafted and re-posted; today, I think I need this as a reminder to myself in general (not in the ugly rat sort of way)…just in general general general 🙂

Have I mentioned: lots and lots and LOTS of love back. I miss our conversations and look forward to seeing you soon, inshAllah xxo

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stephaniejane2 June 26, 2012 at 1:22 pm

All I can think about is the number of people I may have unintentionally hurt as I stumble my stupid way through life. I have seen it from the other way, all the time I “allow” people to hurt me without striking back at them because they are obviously learning/growing/changing/maturing. And I was always happy to do it. Never occured to me, self-centered, like you said, that I did it back to others. But looking back (and not even too far back) I know I do. This is incredibly eye-opening.

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One Female Canuck July 9, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Hello, beautiful girl.

It sounds like you are being a little hard on yourself — think it’s safe to say that we all do this to others from time to time…and the trick is to keep that in mind when others might hurt us for their own sense of personal growth.

I really believe that this world is created in and of balance, and that where we are wounded, we are also healed. (For me, if not in this world, then in the next if I enter there in a state of imbalance.)

love,
m

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