.1. Respect her. (Respect yourself.)
.2. Don’t just text her. Start calling instead. Conversation is a lost art form; revive it. (Text only when others are around and you want her to know that you’re thinking of her.)
.3. Get to know your emotional states (aside and apart from anger) and learn to work through them.
.4. Send her flowers. Send her a basket of fruit. Send her a hand-written letter. Send her tangible things which balance the world of virtual exchange.
.5. Learn her. Pay attention to what she likes and engage these things.
.6. Treat her kindly and gently. Both physically and emotionally. There is a time and place for the harder stuff, but it’s inside of the gentle shape of a man’s hands that a woman feels most loved.
.7. If you are not receiving what you need from her, LOVE OF GOD, don’t seek it elsewhere – especially if you are missing the energy of her female attention. Talk to her about it and explain your needs and give her the opportunity to meet them.
.8. The word commitment is never, not under any circumstance, not ever, to be taken lightly. If you take it lightly, don’t expect her to be serious about you.
.9. Work hard.
.10. If you can’t handle what she brings to the table, leave the table like a gentleman. Don’t ghost; ghosting is for insecure douchebags. The fact that we have a word for this behaviour says more about men, than women.
.11. Learn how to have an emotionally charged conversation without fighting or folding.
.12. When you f/ck up, apologize. Immediately and unequivocally. Eat sh/t when you have to, as you should.
.13. Be interested in a woman equally for what she brings to your bedroom, your mind, your soul. Don’t settle for less or none of these points will work.
.14. No matter how painful to you and her, tell the truth. Always.
.15. Give her the room to surprise you. Meaning, always let her have room for secrets.
.16. Surprise her. Meaning, always leave room to teach more.
.17. Make her laugh a lot and all the time.
.18. When she stops laughing, pay attention.
.19. Share more with her than you do with anyone else in this world. She is your rock and your number 1 fan. As you are hers.
.20. Keep your word. If you can’t, then keep your quiet.
.21. Don’t ogle other women. You’re not 12, and you didn’t just discover your dick. Seriously – don’t ogle other women because it’s gross. This doesn’t mean don’t appreciate beauty; it means know the difference between appreciating beauty (as we all do) and wanting to bend beauty over the side of your bed.
.22. Learn how to communicate like an adult. Learn to say the words “I am scared. I am confused. I am nervous. I am worried. I am sad”. You’re not a toddler who, at the sign of any one of the myriad emotional states, either sh/ts himself or starts screaming and having a tantrum.
.23. If she tells you something bothers her, respect it and work hard not to do it again.
.24. Drive the situation, but don’t be a rapist.
.25. Don’t suck and blow at the same time. Get clear in your head, then make it clear to her. If you need advice, seek it first from your father, then second from a male friend in a healthy relationship.
.26. Learn that the art of seduction has nothing to do with the physical.
.27. Have her back. Always and unequivocally. When you disagree, do so in private but never. Ever. Not under any circumstance, are you allowed to hang her out to dry in public. This is critical – it says that you are a unified front and if she’s not receiving this message, she looks at you and does not see security. Whether we like it or not, no matter how hard we try to fight our gender shapes, a woman wants to feel safe. If you can’t deliver on this, you are not ready for anything serious.
.28. Step up. Have Faith. Get on your knees and pray when you are confused.
.29. Have fun with her.
.30. Have fun with her.
.31. Have fun with her, because while the above are serious in nature, your relationship should only be serious 25% of the time while the rest of the time should be light-hearted and fun. Life is difficult enough as it is and when we choose to engage someone, it should be someone who lightens our load, rather than adds to it. If you find yourself in a relationship where 75% of the time is spent in a state of difficulty or anxiety, then leave. Leave. Life is too quick and precious to sell both yourself and her short.
Maha’s poetry collections are both available for purchase
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I really think you need to have your own tv show. This site is too small for you. Way way way way way way way too small for you.
Will you marry me? I will keep asking!
Steve
-You Know Who 🙂
You are amazing.
Hugsies!
I have missed these kinds of articles from you where you just trim the fat and call a spade a spade.
Have you ever considered being a therapist? I get freaked out when so many people like your posts because you’re like a treasure and a secret and I don’t want everyone to know about you but then I want everyone to know abut you because everyone should be reading you. You make this world a better place.
I love you,
Maria
this is all lost on this generation and it’ll only get worse if we’re not careful
i have two teenage boys and i am doing my best but i am going to print this and make them read it and then talkk about it with them
thank you
Awww, thanks Janoon!! I’m so happy you enjoyed it!! Yea, #18. It’s a scientifically confirmed key to a poor relationship. Interesting shiz.
Great piece. Can you write the same list for women?
From a man, much appreciated if you would.
Long time reader. Jonathan.
(11)” Learn how to have an emotionally charged conversation without fighting or folding.”–This is very hard for many adults. We are not getting trained quite right, are we?
(19) “Share more with her than you do with anyone else in this world. She is your rock and your number 1 fan. As you are hers.”–In our wedding vows, Em and I talked about being allies and advocates to each other; it’s powerful to think of yourself as someone’s rock or ally. It makes your job in the relationship really important.
29-31–Personally I can’t emphasize enough that if your relationship ALWAYS feels like work, well, it shouldn’t. Hard things come, sure, but it should mostly help you feel strong, delighted and supported in the world.
There. My two cents.
PS Thank you for even thinking it.
I don’t really know what to tell you. I’m sorry that your time is spent more managing anxiety than anything else.
You’re sort of correct – you can’t just leave. When children are in the mix, the conversation you must have with yourself and your partner can not be solely about your own needs, but must account for the needs of the children.
But equally, you have to find a way to balance that moral obligation you hold as a parent, with your obligation to your marriage, and also to yourself.
Off the top of my head:
– Personal ways to manage your own anxiety
– Couples therapy with your partner
– Family therapy (because trust me – your kids feel this anxiety equally, if not more)
– Open and honest communication that you want to try, but you can’t do it alone
– Ultimately, and as a last case effort, separation. If you really can not work through / around the problems and they are only increasing…then separation. Last ditch effort. No one should reside in misery if they have done their best and complete to alter the situation.
Thank you for your question. Thinking of you and hoping this is something that can be remedied slowly in one way or another within your family home.
Keep your heart and prayers strong and find all of the patience you can manage,
M