Don’t write checks your body can’t / won’t / never ever had the intention of cashing

April 20, 2014 - Mindful Relationships - Tagged: , , , , , , , - 13 comments

jumpersTwo caveats: I very much believe in ‘He’s just not that into you’. For all intents and purposes, almost all of the men of topic below, they have displayed extreme interest, right up until they magically, like true circus side-shows, disappeared from view.

I also continue to be steadfast in my belief that it is imperative to always be ready and available for the jump. I am a strong advocate of entering into every single relationship with only the best and kindest, most gentle and true intentions. If I can’t start from a position of vulnerability with a man, I just don’t start. Simple.

Here’s the scenario:

Boy meets girl.
Boy pursues girl.
Girl becomes interested in boy.
Boy leads the way, all the way to the cliff and says: “Let’s jump! Let’s do this!”
Girl asks “Really?”
Boy says “ABSOLUTELY! I WANT TO JUMP LET’S JUMP!”
Girl says “OKAY! LET’S! IF YOU’RE SURE!
I MEAN, I DIDN’T EVEN THINK I WANTED TO….BUT….LET’S!!!!”
They back up; they hold hands; they start running to jump.
Girl jumps without noticing that boy had let go of her hand.
She falls to her death while boy looks over cliff and says “Well. I mean. It’s not like I pushed her.”

Sound familiar?

I have many female friends; more than most people. Binders full, in fact. (JOE!! CALL ME!!) I also have a ton of questions coming in from the advice columns, and regular messages received from you lovely readers. People, primarily women, share (with great trust, for which I am always thankful) their stories with me, and so many of these stories are, at their heart, precisely represented by the above infuriating scenario.

Most recently, this happened to one of my beloved girlfriends, someone over whom I am ferociously protective because she is just so fucking good. She is pure of heart and intention; gorgeous, brilliant, committed, true; true to herself, her word, to anyone with whom she graces in friendship. She is only the most recent of the many women who are falling over cliffs to be hurt, then forced into a body-cast to recover. She too will recover, but f.ck. F.ck, because if he wasn’t going to deliver on all of his promises – and we are talking extreme promises – then he should have kept his big face shut. SHUT.

I might be a little raw out of love for her pained heart, FYI. (The swears ease my pain in her defense.)

More generally, every single one of these women, myself and my girlfriends included are living this on repeat. So many men, impulsively and without a care for the pain and hurt of the women before them, are making promises and demands, not ever coming through, not ever keeping their word.

When did it become alright to throw around promises and words with so little thought?
How and when did we cheapen communication and language to such a degree?
lol! omg! pmsl! etc. ad infinitum

None of the women can be described as thus. None of them have made promises they did not keep, or never had the intention of keeping. THESE WOMEN have been true to their word and had every intention to remain true to their word if given the opportunity.

But not these men.

The women are cross-culture, religion, and age. As are the men. So then, what’s happening? I am at a loss. This is one scenario which is leaving me without words, without explanation.

I very seriously need someone to tell me what is wrong with the men in the above cliff-jump; with the men because I will not fault a man or woman for believing that the person they love / the one who is pursuing them and demanding they pay attention to them / who is making themselves appear as a true ‘candidate’ for the jump they have raised is well intentioned and going to have serious follow-through when it – no matter what ‘it’ might be – was their idea in the first place.

Is it ego? Do these individuals just want to know that they CAN make a woman jump? Are so very very many men this base and pedestrian in their intentions? Am I going to have to shave my head and start yelling “Son, your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash“?

God damn if this is it. God damn because grotesque is the man who is ego-driven. Didn’t anyone tell you that your ego is flaccid? Ultimately, it is an empty limpish little object when its strength is derived not from your character but your manipulation of others. Jesus. (Peace and blessings upon him on this Easter.)

Is it because you think it’s what we want to hear?
Because here’s a hint: Don’t do us any favours. We are really pretty okay without having a whole bunch of (later to discover) empty meaningless words lobbed at our heads. TRUST ME.

Are you without integrity; not a man of your word?
This, I can get behind. The more people I meet the more I am inclined to believing that people are too busy branding themselves the right way, but not putting any work or truth behind that brand. I have a couple of these men in my past, too.

Did you say it and mean it and then change your mind? Maybe you forgot to tell us that you changed your mind?
Here’s another hint: We have memories. We remember you said it and so unless told otherwise, we are moving forward on the assumption that you still God damn mean it, especially if we are still interacting in the same way. If you changed your mind, tell us. Take the time and have the courtesy. We will not fall apart (even if your ego just might after reading those five simple words).

Also, are women doing the same thing to men? Am I simply surrounded by the right kind of women and so don’t see this other side of females?

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PS. Of course. If it were meant to be, then it would have been. But before an asshole pulls someone over to the edge of the cliff, there are a MYRIAD of steps, each one of which veers away from the cliff; well-trodden or waiting to be forged.

PS to the PS. I am a hetero and writing from a hetero perspective. Please feel free to share non-hetero experiences in the comments, or flip me a private message.)

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Image courtesy of Twitch Film.