Last post, I promised to write something less toxic, so this is it – I have been thinking about both the personal characteristics and the characteristics of friendship itself, required to hold close and dear individuals for the rest of our lives.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, chemistry is the first. As with any romantic relationship, so too between platonic individuals a chemistry is required which, if lacking, means that the potential of a friendship is impossible.
But that’s just the beginning of a friendship, and the real ingredients requiring a little more investigation.
Expect the best of them. And eight times out ten, they will meet that expectation. When they don’t, remember that you ain’t perfect neither.
Air out your hurt or confusion. Otherwise, you’re not giving people who care about you a chance to clarify a potential misunderstanding or to apologize when they have (knowingly or unknowingly) made a mistake.
Be proud of them. Rather than insecurity where they succeed and you may struggle. Insecurity almost inevitably morphs into envy which is a character grotesque and ugly. Full stop.
Lead with honesty. But only if you’re interested in behaving with integrity. Also, in the interest of clarity: passive aggression does not qualify as honesty.
Be self-aware. We all fuck up. We all behave as assholes sometimes. We – every once in a while – want to punch even our best friend in the throat because they do something completely idiotic. Beyond a shadow of any doubt, I know that my friends have wanted to take me down on occasion; I don’t have my head so far up my own ass that I believe I am infallible.
It’s natural. Any friendship of any worth goes through ebbs and flows to then become stronger.
This is where self-awareness comes in, within which must live the understanding that no matter how self-aware we may really be, we each have blind-spots. I do, you do, your friends do. Anybody who doesn’t give this reality a nod is the person most riddled with the heaviest of blind-spots. My blind-spots are unbelievable, but honestly, I am blessed with people who are constantly yelling LEFT! LOOK OVER YOUR LEFT, MAHA! and when I can’t hear, they take my head and move it for me.
And finally, exercise patience & forgiveness. Because the more I observe and the more people with whom I come into contact, the more I learned that my (aptly named by Maxi) Shut Off Valve is an asshole. We have to be patient and forgive because otherwise, what we’re really saying is – something of which we have all been guilty – I won’t ever need your forgiveness. And trust me when I tell you: You will one day require forgiveness, if not from the person you refuse to forgive, then from someone else because it’s just the way of the world.
Take all of the above, and bake for a period of seven years, because apparently this is the average number of years one must be friends in order for it to in fact become ‘life-long’.
This post is exactly why I keep coming back to you and why I share you with my friends. I would love to be loved in the way you love people you care about. None of my friends would write for me!!
My two faves from this entry:
“We – every once in a while – want to punch even our best friend in the throat because they do something completely idiotic. Beyond a shadow of any doubt, I know that my friends have wanted to take me down on occasion.”
and also “This is where self-awareness comes in, within which must live the understanding that no matter how self-aware we may really be, we each have blind-spots. Anybody who doesn’t give this reality a nod is the person most riddled with the heaviest of blind-spots. ”
You are a fucking rockstar. Welcome home! -lily
One thing I’ll add is look for lovers only, not fighters. People who are defensive usually misunderstand behaviors and you are suddenly in a conflict they imagined into existence. Avoid the fighters as often as possible.
To echo Lily, your adventures have been the most enjoyable read, and we look forward to your pictures and we are all happy to be commenting once again.
Thomas
Men and women who mean-girl when they’re adults are funny and they make good conversation topics but it doesn’t mean mean-girling doesn’t hurt. Sorry about N she’s lucky to have you.
Thanks for all of the amazing words…also thanks for he emails! (Lily & Thomas!)
Thomas, excellent point. I struggle with that myself. It’s something I have to work on everyday and reign in. Three of my girlfriends are exactly the same way – knowing this about each other makes it easier to call the other out when it’s happening.
“Wow” – mean-girling. I love that term – I have been hearing it everywhere lately. It’s painful, yes…no matter which way you slice it. It sucks to be mean-girled by either gender.
xoxo m
i’d like to read your thoughts.
is it bullying?
what do you think are your biggest “BLIND SPOTS”?
xoxoxoxoxoxoxooo’s to the max!
PS I stand by my statement re being grateful for being given a heads up re the cow issue 🙂
JANEY. You, MORE xxxxxxxxooooooo
Tasha. Happy it resonated and I love your use of the word “balm” here. Tenderly, I’ll tell you when you cow. & ditto, please.
A – Love you too, lady.
See you in the ring 🙂
xox m
My “BIGGEST BLINDSPOTS”?
Oh my God, I have so many. Here are my top five:
5. I already mentioned above but will say it again: I am defensive and have to really check myself. But I usually fail, so often turn to my girls to check me.
4. I require clarity to the point of being, like, a really serious pain in the ass.
3. I light up really quickly (one of my girlfriends once grabbed my hair and pretended to look for the red). See point no 5. On this point, though, I immediately sit my ass down after the explosion and forget about it (the quickness of the sit down has actually become something the girls make fun of because it’s so…weirdly immediate).
2. I forget things really quickly. Which in a situation where there has been a tiff between a friend and I, can be really f-kn agitating for them because I *literally* erase it.
1. Confirmed is that: I am the world’s largest narcissist 🙂
Edited to add: Ok. Ever since answering your Q, I have had a running list of my blind spots!! Here’s a really interesting one:
– I can be defensive about the weirdest things…already said this.
BUT I am also the *exact* opposite. I am completely and totally open. I treat people that same way, ignoring walls. It’s not intentional – I just somehow don’t see the walls (until a sniper on top of a wall takes me out with a bullet, you know?). That’s def a blind spot there. Definitely.
Thanks for asking!
xox m
I can’t believe someone you know was mean-girled. How drab high school. I’ve been there (in a different way, but I’ve ranted to you a bunch of times about this), and it sucks. Hope your friend feels that life is better without those jerks.